Sadness & Sorrow

28.3.2012

do soutěže

téma: ''When I am alone''

Varování: následující emoce jsou velmi autentické a když jsme si nad tím sedli s Mr.T, aby mi to zkomentoval, při čtení jsem se rozbrečela.

Being alone. My favorite thing to do these days. I was always an extrovert so what happened to me? I wonder. It is like people were mosquitoes and drank my energy. I am just arriving home from school exhausted and full of sorrow. People. People everywhere. People with broken hearts. People trapped in misery. I can’t help them. I just suck in their pain like a sponge does with water. It feels like a steel grating that encircles your stomach and needles that stir your entrails. Your eyes bite and there is something bitter in your throat. You want to escape. You want to run away. You want to get out of here. But how? How can you run away from this broken world?

When I am alone I am often surrounded with these kinds of thoughts. Because of pain which I feel in people which are close to my heart and I try to avoid some of them. How can I? Am I such a horrible friend? I asked myself. Then guilt comes and arrests my mind. I need to go out with them. I need to speak with them. I can’t be sad because people say that I am like sunshine and my smile heals. But how can I smile when I suffer with them?

‘’Are you OK?’’ they ask.

‘’Sure, I am.’’ No I am not. Because I know they are in a deep, dark abyss. Sometimes I feel like I am paranoid. Probably it is true. After that the guilt comes again. Oh Eileen, you are such a stupid, paranoid and weak person. I hate you. Oh wait, I can’t hate myself because God loves me! No! I failed again... I am imprisoned in a vicious circle again. Salt and bitter tears make their way out of my olive eyes and I bite my hand to dim a scream. The sky is so black, the storm is coming. My faint body is diving in sludge.

‘’I can’t go on like this!’’ I whisper in the air and raindrops pricks my face. At that moment the sunbeam disperses tremendous dark gray clouds. It’s widening every second more and more and my hand desires to touch it. It bunches around my pale and numb wrist with my teeth marks and the warmth of summer sunshine which feels like my mother’s smile spread in my whole body. I was pulled out of that stinking lake of despair and put in to a blooming meadow. The storm was beaten by the sun. He saved me again. I can’t believe it. Why I am so valuable to Him?

‘’You are my daughter, Eileen. I will never give up on you. Nothing can separate you from my love.’’ A deep, tender voice resonated in my heart and I knew it has true.

 I am not alone standing against pain of this world. He will always catch me if I fall. He’s my loving Father.